Bratva Knight - 5. fejezet

Tatiana Andreeva

TWO YEARS AGO

“I’m telling you, Doc, there’s something wrong. I can feel it.” I

paced up and down the small living room in my aunt and uncle’s house,

hand on my swollen belly, silently begging Baby V to move. They say a

mother’s intuition started long before the baby was born. Well, they are

right, whoever they are. And my Mama Intuition was telling me something

was very, very wrong.

All day, I felt like something was off. Usually, Baby V was a ball of

activity from the moment the sun rose. He kicked and kicked, moving up and

down, side to side, rolling around like he was trying to find the comfiest

position he could in the little, cramped space he had.

I’d grown to enjoy it. At first, it felt like there was a little alien living

inside me. When he kicked, I could not only feel the movement but see it too.

It made me think of those spider-looking creatures in Aliens VS Predator,

the ones that burst through your ribcage and out your chest.

I’m not gonna lie, it used to freak me the fuck out. But I’d grown to love it.

I looked forward to it every morning. It was like clockwork. He’d push

down on my bladder so hard, I had to run to the bathroom or risk pissing

my pants. Then he’d move around, as if to say, “Good morning, Mama.”

It made me smile every time. I would speak to him, telling him, “Yes, yes, I

feel you,” before going about my day.

But this morning was…different.

I hadn’t felt him move once. It was three o’clock in the afternoon, and my

anxiousness had increased so much that I felt sick.

“Did you try the exercises I suggested this morning?” the doctor asked

through the phone, his tone calm and understanding.

“Yes. I drank some soda, took a shower, tried eating spicy food. Nothing

worked. I still haven’t felt him move.” My voice was shaking, the panic I felt

evident. I poked at my belly for the umpteenth time, trying to provoke some

kind of movement from him.

It didn’t work.

“Any pains?” the doctor asked.

“There was a little bit of cramping earlier, but that was it. It wasn’t

exactly pain. More discomfort.”

“Okay. It could be nothing, Miss Andreeva. Sometimes babies have

periods of inactivity where they can go hours without moving. It could mean

he’s just sleeping. But if you’re worried, why don’t you come down to the

hospital and we can check on the little guy?”

Relief filled me. “Yes, I’d like to do that. Thank you. I’ll be there in thirty

minutes.”

“I’ll let the nurses at reception know, so you’ll be brought right through.

Try not to worry. I’m sure he’s fine.” The doctor’s tone wasn’t alarming. It

should have calmed me down, but it didn’t. There was this terrible feeling

sinking deep into my gut. No matter how positive I tried to remain, it

wouldn’t go away.

I rushed out of the house as quickly as I could, making sure to grab the

baby bag I packed months ago, just in case. It was filled with all the things I

might need for Baby V. Onesies in three different sizes, swaddles, beanies

and little mittens, some soft toys (even though I knew he wouldn’t be able to

play with them). To say I “overpacked” would be an understatement. My

aunt and uncle weren’t home, but they left one of their cars at the house in

case I needed it.

When I first contacted them and asked to come and stay for a while,

they’d been pleasantly surprised. We didn’t see each other often, maybe

only once a year for my dad’s birthday, but that didn’t mean we weren’t

close. They called me every now and then to check up on me, and I would

do the same for them. They only lived a few hours outside of Vegas, so

getting to them hadn’t been an issue. Showing up pregnant, however? That

had definitely been an issue.

They pestered me with a million questions.

“Who’s the father?”

“Are you getting married?”

“Does your dad know?”

They were all questions I hadn’t been in the mood to answer. I’d been

staying there for over three-and-a-half months, and although they tried

everyday to get me to talk, I’d given them nothing.

I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, to talk about what happened with

Nikolai.

Argh, the whole thing still made me so raging fucking mad. I’d never

pegged Nikolai as an idiot, but man he was really acting like one.

We’d been in a secret relationship for over a year when I found out I was

pregnant. I’d been nervous as all hell to tell him, but it turned out all those

nerves had been for no reason.

Nikolai was ecstatic when I told him. He’d actually dropped to his knees

at my feet and kissed my belly, whispering nonsense to the baby in Russian,

like it could understand him. He wanted to tell his family—and everyone

else—the news, but I wasn’t ready. I still hadn’t worked up the guts to even

tell Illayana that we’d been seeing each other. I needed time. Time to figure

out what I was going to say, how I was going to say it. My best friend loved

me, but I knew she was going to be pisssssed when I told her.

So, he reluctantly agreed to keep it quiet until I was ready. For five

months, it had been easy to hide the pregnancy. I didn’t start to show until

well after my first trimester, and then after that I just wore baggy clothes.

Designer baggy clothes, but baggy clothes nonetheless.

Then, one horrible afternoon, it all came crashing down. Nikolai accused

me of cheating on him with Kurt, one of the Bratva soldiers I’d gone

through training with. I had no idea where he got such a stupid fucking idea

from, and he didn’t even really explain it either. He just burst through my

front door, screaming at me and saying the most awful things.

“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?” he’d hissed in my face, repulsion in

his eyes.

Nikolai was the quiet, silent type, but when he was angry? Oh, boy. There

was no calming him down, no talking to him.

I tried reasoning with him, tried telling him over and over again I had no

idea what he was talking about. That I would never cheat on him, let alone

with Kurt! But no matter what I said, he wouldn’t hear it. It was like his

mind was already made up, like he had proof. Even though there was none!

“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?”

Those words had played over in my head when he’d left. Once the

befuddlement had dissipated, anger quickly stepped in. How fucking dare

he? How dare he question my loyalty? Did he not know me at all? Didn’t

fucking seem like it.

After Nikolai stormed out, I decided to go away for a while. I was so

angry at him for being so fucking stupid. The fact that he wouldn’t accept

any of my calls just pissed me off even more. He wouldn’t even give me the

chance to talk, to find out why he thought I’d slept with Kurt. It was like

he’d just written me off without letting me try to defend myself.

Nikolai was a very possessive guy. If another man even looked at me, he

had his gun out and against his head before the dude could blink. Whatever

had made him think I’d cheated on him had brought forth this cloud of

anger that made it impossible for him to see reason. There was a small, tiny,

insignificant part of me that understood. Because if the situation was

reversed, I’d be the same. Worse, actually. But that didn’t excuse his

behaviour, his words.

“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?”

Once I came to stay with my aunt and uncle, I tried calling again. And

again. And again. He ignored every single one. I’d texted, telling him he

was being a fucking idiot and that I never slept with Kurt. He never

responded. Eventually, I just gave up. I’d give birth to our son, get a DNA

test and then shove it in his stupid fucking face. Then I’d make him grovel

for the rest of his fucking life.

I pulled up at the hospital and quickly parked the car in the Emergency

Bay. This constituted as an “emergency”, and if anyone tried to tell me

otherwise, I’d stab them in the fucking throat.

Once I grabbed my baby bag, I quickly rushed inside, going right for the

reception desk.

“Hi,” I greeted the older woman with the horn-rimmed glasses. “My

name is Tatiana Andreeva. I’m here to see Dr Spendel.”

“Ah, yes. He told me you’d be coming. I’ll just grab a few of your details

and then I’ll lead you right on through.”

After I answered her general questions and signed in, she picked herself

up off her chair and hobbled to the door, opening it wide for me. I tried to

get a grip on my nerves, but it was almost impossible as she led me through

the hospital and past all the open exam rooms until she got to the one

assigned to me. She pushed the curtain back, revealing a hospital bed, some

monitors and one lonely chair in the corner. There was a TV coming down

from the roof and some magazines sitting on the long table that ran against

the wall.

“Okay, dear, take a seat and make yourself comfortable. Dr Spendel has

ordered an ultrasound first, so we’ll get that done and then he’ll be in to see

you. Do you need anything? Something to eat or drink?”

I shook my head, placing the baby bag on the bed. I was far too wound up

to even think about eating. I’d most likely throw it up if I tried.

The woman, whose name badge read “Maureen”, gave me a reassuring

smile. “Alright. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to push the ‘call’

button right there,” she said, pointing to the button. “One of the other

nurses will come to help. The ultrasound tech shouldn’t be too long.”

I thanked her and she left, closing the curtain behind her.

With nothing to do but sit there and wait, I pulled out my phone and

started flicking through Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter. I had accounts for them

all. Instagram was purely for posting pictures of my fashion designs or

photo aesthetics. Tik Tok was for when I was bored and felt like a laugh.

And Twitter? Well, I didn’t even really know how to use that one, to be

honest.

It took nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds for the ultrasound tech to

show up. By the time he’d gotten there, I was just a big ball of anxiety and

stress. Baby V still hadn’t moved.

“Hello, Tatiana. I’m Bill. I’ll be conducting the ultrasound for you

today.” He seemed pleasant enough, with a nice head of dark hair and a

pretty smile, but I wasn’t in a particularly chatty mood, so I tried my best to

not give my “resting bitch face” and lay down on the bed.

Bill didn’t ask me any questions as he squirted gel onto my exposed

stomach. He moved the transducer through it in small circles before

expanding wider. My heart was beating a mile a fucking minute. I clenched

and unclenched my hands, anxiously waiting to hear what was going on.

My palms were sweaty and my breathing had quickened to the point that I

was panting. My body started to tremble.

It was stupid of me to come here alone. I should have called someone. My

aunt or uncle. My dad. Nikolai.

I needed Nikolai.

Bill frowned at the screen, moving the ultrasound wand over my stomach

in the same spot again and again. He clicked a few buttons on the machine,

squinting hard as he continued to move the device. Something flashed

across his face before he could mask it. It was so quick, I couldn’t figure out

what it was.

He gave me a small smile. “Okay. I’m just going to get the doctor now.”

He handed me a tissue to wipe the gel away as he rolled the machine to the

side.

“Wait, what did the ultrasound say? Is the baby okay?” I asked, sitting

up.

“Unfortunately, I can’t discuss the results with you. I’m sorry. That’s for

the doctor. I’ll just go get him and I’ll be back in a moment.”

“No,” I exclaimed, my anxiety spiralling. “You can’t do that. You have to

tell me. He-he’s okay, isn’t he?”

Bill averted his eyes for the briefest second, the mask slipping away

before he was able to put it back on his face. “I’ll go get the doctor.” He

rushed out of the room, making it impossible for me to question him further.

Panic squeezed my chest to the point that I struggled to breathe. I didn’t

know what was going on, but I’d seen enough Grey’s Anatomy episodes to

know that, whatever it was, was bad. Tears welled in my eyes, blurring my

vision. I took my phone out of my pocket, my hands trembling as I pulled up

Nikolai’s number and hit CALL.

The phone rang three times before it got sent to voicemail.

He’d rejected the call.

No, please, Nikolai. Please. Answer. I called him again and again, each

one going straight to voicemail.

He turned off his phone.

Oh, God, no.

He can’t do this to me. I need him. We need him.

Bill returned with Dr Spendel, their faces calm but eyes tense. My fear

increased, heart pounding. Dr Spendel wore the traditional white lab coat,

a stethoscope hanging around his neck. He had that comforting, older

father vibe, the one that just put you at ease. He was slightly on the chubby

side, with a thick head of hair and a kind smile.

“Miss Andreeva, I apologise for the wait. How are you doing?”

My first response usually would have been, “How the fuck do you think

I’m doing?” But I held back from snapping at him so we could get on with

it. I needed to know what was going on with my son, if he was okay.

Please be okay.

“Fine,” I replied, frowning as Bill pulled the ultrasound machine back

over to the side of the bed.

Dr Spendel looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “I know from our earlier

phone call that you’re worried, and you must be feeling incredibly anxious,

so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. I’m just going to take a quick look

and see what’s going on.”

I wanted to ask why he needed to look when Bill had only looked moments

ago, but I said nothing as he lifted my shirt and squirted gel on my stomach.

Bill tried to fill the silence with mundane questions about me and my life.

He was trying to distract me, but it wasn’t working. All of my focus was on

Dr Spendel as he moved the ultrasound wand over my stomach, on the

small crease in the middle of his bushy eyebrows that gradually got deeper

and deeper.

“Well?” I asked, cutting Bill off mid-sentence.

Could he not read the bloody room? Why would I want to answer

questions about what I like to do in my spare time when I was anxiously

waiting to hear about what was going on with my son?

Dr Spendel cleared his throat and gave me a small smile. “Okay, we’re all

done. Bill, if you could please take the machine and give us the room.

Thank you.”

“Dr Spendel,” I pushed, irritated by the fact that neither of them were

giving me an answer. “Is. The. Baby. Okay?”

Dr Spendel grabbed the chair and placed it next to me, sitting down.

“Tatiana,” he exhaled, sadness layering his voice. “While conducting the

ultrasound, I was unable to find a heartbeat. I am truly so sorry to have to

tell you this, but your baby has passed away.”

My whole world came crashing down.

No. No. No. NO!

Tears gathered in my eyes. I wailed, wrapping my arms around my

stomach. “No!” I screamed, crying hysterically. Time slowed as the worst,

most agonising pain I’d ever experienced cut through me. My heart, my

soul, everything inside me died right there. With my son.

I felt myself get pulled down into a deep, dark void where I couldn’t hear

a thing. I could see Dr Spendel talking, see his lips moving, but his words

were coming through like static.

“Cord…wrapped around…nothing you could have done…not your

fault…”

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, pretending like I could understand what

he was saying, pretending like I was listening.

I knew I should have come in sooner. All day, I’d felt like something

wasn’t right, that it was weird that I hadn’t felt him move. But I’d done

nothing.

I’d. Done. Nothing.

I was his mother. It was my job to protect him. He was supposed to be safe

with me. How could I let him down that way?

“I’ll give you the medication that starts dilation, then the pitocin, and

your body will know what to do from there.”

I looked up into Dr Spendel’s eyes. “I’m sorry? Pitocin?” My voice was

hoarse. I felt numb. None of it seemed real. Was it real? Was I dreaming?

Oh, god, please let me be dreaming. Let me wake up in my bed with

Nikolai, with our son kicking like crazy in my belly.

Please, God. Don’t do this to me. Don’t take him from me.

He frowned slightly. “To induce labour.”

I repeated his words in a trance. “Induce labour?” More tears fell, the

pain overwhelming. “You’re saying I have to give birth to him, even though

he’s-he’s…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.

Compassion flashed across Dr Spendell’s face. “Is there someone I can

call for you?” he asked. “I know this is a lot. I want to make sure you’ve

got the support you need.”

Nikolai. I need Nikolai.

With shaky hands, I tried to call him again. But he didn’t answer.